Sunday, April 16, 2017

The uNFL Draft


It's mid April, which means talk of the NFL draft is all over the sports channels and blogs. Everybody has their take on which teams should take which players to fill their individual needs. But have you ever wondered if the perfect player for a certain position or team is not a college football player at all? 

Image result for nfl draftI know I have, which is why I have carefully studied the needs of each of the first five draft teams along with the histories, strengths, and weaknesses of a variety of non-football playing athletes and celebrities to determine which of them would go first in an uNFL draft. Here are my findings:


The Cleveland Browns are perpetually in need of a decent quarterback, and this year's draft lacks a standout quarterback to fill the position, so it looks like the Browns might have to look to the NBA. It would be too obvious to look past this guy, being a native Ohioan and one of the world's greatest athletes. At first I thought he would be a perfect fit for a tight end and didn't want to waste his TE tailor-made talent on the quarterback position. But after I thought about it, I realized he could play both TE and QB at the same time. I mean, after all, he is Lebron James.

#1 uNFL pick: Lebron James

2.) San Francisco 49ers

The San Francisco 49ers need better players in basically every position. So where do they start? Quarterback? Offensive line? Defensive secondary? How about special teams? Let's face it. No matter what they do, the 49ers will never be good. Their main goal right now doesn't need to be winning games, but merely avoiding being shutout. So they may as well have a kicker who can make a long field goal.

#2 uNFL pick: Cristiano Ronaldo

3. ) Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears don't actually need to draft anyone to see future success. They had one big problem and they already got rid of him. So I guess it might be more fitting to call this one an NFL undraft instead of an uNFL draft. Nevertheless, for consistencies sake, I'll keep the name the same.

#3 uNFL pick: Goodbye Jay Cutler

4.) Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jacksonville Jaguars could use a good defensive tackle. And I have just the guy in mind. Although he's better known as a comedian, his sheer size and obvious strength make him ideal for the job. Judging by his physique, I can only assume he would be a versatile athlete with speed, quickness, and endurance. The question is, are you thinking what I'm thinking? I know you are...(But what am I?):

#4 uNFL pick: Pee-wee Herman

5.) Tennessee Titans

The Tennessee Titans could do some serious damage if they could get a really great wide receiver. There's this one guy, you might have heard of him. He's got the height and the athleticism... He also has unmatched speed.

#5 uNFL pick: Usain Bolt

6.) New York Jets

The New York Jets are in dire need of a quarterback...Can you think of anyone who fits the bill for the position?


Friday, April 14, 2017

Mascot Quiz Answer Key: A Brief History of Some NCAA Mascots

1. Syracuse University Orange


Syracuse has one of my favorite mascots and one of the most interesting mascot histories. Otto- a bizarre-o androgynous fuzzy looking fruit?- whatever it is, is the product of a long evolution of Syracuse mascots. 

Image result for otto the orangeBefore Otto, the then Orangemen were represented by the Saltine Warrior. Based on a tall tale of an Indian chief who had been buried beneath the old women's gymnasium,  the Saltine Warrior was dropped in 1978 due to concerns about its cultural insensitivity. After unsuccessfully trying to replace it with a gladiator, Syracuse officially made this orange their mascot in 1980, and it was named "Otto" in 1990.


Image result for georgia tech buzz
2. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Buzz the Yellow Jacket 

Georgia Tech's athletic teams were named after the yellow jackets worn by their fans and in 1905 they officially took up the nickname. In 1980 Buzz made his first official appearance as a member of the cheerleading squad.






Image result3. Notre Dame Fighting Irish


The Leprechaun was named Notre Dame's official mascot in 1965. He was preceded by an Irish Terrier, or rather, multiple Irish Terriers throughout the years, the first of which made an appearance in 1930. The terrier mascot eventually took the name Clashmore Mike.

Image result for purdue pete mascot
4. Purdue University Boilermakers


Purdue Pete, while not the official mascot of Purdue University, is an iconic emblem of Purdue sports. First created as an advertising logo in 1940, Pete got his name four years later and became an on-field mascot in 1956.





Image result for albert the gator
5. University of Florida Gators


The alligator was first used as an emblem for the University of Florida in 1908. In 1957, the university saw its first live alligator mascot, Albert. Thirteen years later, a costumed version of Albert appeared. In 1986, Alberta, Albert's female counterpart, arrived on the scene, and the two are now the official mascots of the University of Florida.



Image result for brutus buckeye mascot logo6. The Ohio State University Buckeyes

Brutus Buckeye

"Buckeyes" has been the official nickname at Ohio State since 1950, but Brutus, their beloved mascot, didn't make his debut at a football game until 1965. Brutus underwent many makeovers before he appeared as the Brutus we know today, and in 2007 he was inducted into the mascot hall of fame.




7. The University of Kansas Jayhawks


The history of the Jayhawks mascot can be traced back all the way to before the civil war. This mythical bird is a hybrid between a blue jay and a sparrow hawk. The term "Jayhawkers" was originally used to describe both sides of the battling factions of the civil war in the Kansas Territory, but eventually stuck to the abolitionists. The Jayhawk became a symbol of patriotism and was adopted by the university. Big Jay was the original Jayhawk mascot and he was joined by his current companion, Baby Jay, in 1971.


Image result for wushock logo8. Wichita State University Shockers

WuShock

The first known instance of the name "Wheat Shockers" being used to describe the football players at Wichita State (at the time Fairmount College) was in 1904. The name comes from many of the players' practice of harvesting, or "shocking" wheat during the offseason. The name was eventually shortened to "Shockers" and in 1948 WuShock, the personified bundle of wheat, was created during a fraternity mascot competition.

Image result for oski the bear logo
9. California Golden Bears


Oski first appeared on September 27, 1941. He is named after an old spirit yell, the Oski Yell. He also has the rare talent of being able to drink beverages through his eye.


Image result for goldy gopher logo

10. University of Minnesota Golden Gophers



In 1926, football coach Clarence Spears named his team the gophers, after Minnesota's nickname, the Gopher State. Their all-gold uniforms later inspired the nickname the Golden Gophers, and Goldy Gopher first appeared in the 1940's. Say what you will about him, but in both 2011 and 2013, Goldy won national mascot titles.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

My Favorite Sporting Upsets and Underdog Stories

Mississipi State's 66-64 victory over UConn in the Women'sFinal Four on Friday night had all the ingredients of a great upset. A David, a Goliath, a big stage, and an overtime buzzer beater to add a little zest. 

These moments may be fleeting, but they make some of the best memories. Moments like these are what make all the countless hours of watching, all the anxiety-induced vomiting, and all the missed homework deadlines worth it.

So long after the crowds had undoubtedly dissipated from the stadium to the bars, from the bars into the Dallas hotels, after America's adrenaline had returned to its normal levels and the commentators were done thanking Ross Dress for Less for providing their wardrobes; after I had brushed my teeth, taken my Flinstones vitamins, and my mom had tucked me safely into my Steve Urkel sleeping bag, I lay awake in bed, thinking long and hard about these rare moments.

I began to ponder: What is the best sports upset of all time? As I lay there in my dimly lit bedroom, staring at the glow-in-the-dark Richard Simmons poster that hangs over my bed, I composed a list of my favorite upsets and underdog stories. Mississippi's win rolled in at the number five spot. Here are my four others:


Image result for helen maroulisIn the 2016 Olympics, Helen Maroulis became the first American to win an Olympic gold medal in women's wrestling. To get there she had to beat three-time Olympic gold medalist and 13-time (yes, that's THIRTEEN-time) world champion, Saori Yoshida, in the gold medal match.




3. "Rocktober" 

Image result for rocktober rockiesNo Colorado sports fan can forget the Colorado Rockies'miracle run to the World Series in 2007. While it didn't end well for the Rockies, getting swept in the World Series by the Boston Red Sox, the journey there was a fun and memorable one for the Colorado community. The Rockies finished that regular season by winning 13 of their last 14 games, defeating San Diego in a play-in game to take their spot in the playoffs. They swept Philadelphia in the NLDS and Arizona in the NLCS to finally advance to the World Series.


Image result for holly holm vs rouseyRonda Rousey's 12-0 record wasn't the only thing that made her heavily favored in her bout against Holly Holm in November 2015. It was the manner of her victories that had many people thinking she was unbeatable. With her previous three opponents lasting just 34, 14, and 16 seconds against her, some fans were even speculating that the UFC Bantamweight champ could beat Floyd Mayweather in the cage. So when world champion boxer Holly Holm knocked Rousey out a minute into the second round, the mma world was in shock.

This was one of my favorite upsets because I was one of the few people who thought Holm had a chance, and because it silenced Rousey's obnoxious fans.


My all time favorite sports upset, though, has to be Rulon Gardner's upset of Russia's Alexandr Karelin in the 2000 Olympics for the gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling. Karelin, who had won three consecutive Olympic golds, not only had a 13-year undefeated streak, but he hadn't been scored upon in six years. Let that sink in. No world class wrestler had been able to score a single point on him for six years.
Image result for rulon gardner karelin

He was a legend. Gardner, on the other hand, was some American kid that a few people had heard of. So when he not only scored a point on Karelin, but that point was enough to beat Karelin for the gold medal, wrestling fans were in disbelief.

With elements of the matchup reflecting the U.S. men's ice hockey victory over the Russian team in the 1980 Winter Olympics, the match was dubbed "The Miracle on the Mat."


I don't claim that this is a comprehensive list, but these are my favorites. Let me know if I missed any that you think belong in the top five. 

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

How to Pick the Perfect Bracket Using Math, Science and Modern Technology


As sports fans across the country finish making their final brackets for the men's NCAA basketball tournament, they often look for a perfect strategy or formula to ensure that they will be bringing home the honor of office pool champion.

But discovering the perfect formula is difficult, with different experts making opposite claims, and each sports website's algorithm contradicting the one before it.

In past years, I've consistently stuck to the same strategy, one that emphasized the importance of bragging rights, albeit, I now admit, inaccurately so.

You see, my thinking at the time was that when you accurately predict an upset, you get more bragging rights than if you accurately predict victory by the favored team. The bigger the upset, the greater your bragging rights.  

And so, for years I have consistently picked the ultimate upset...every 16 seed to beat every number 1 seed. The benefit of this strategy is that if even just one 16 seed pulls off the upset, you have gained the ultimate bragging rights- predicting an outcome that no one else foresaw. The only drawback is that, well... your bracket is always completely and utterly busted before the tournament even begins. And, when every 16 seed inevitably loses, the result is: no bragging rights.

So this year I've decided to change my tactics to make myself more competitive in actually winning a pool.

I have come up with what I believe will be a highly successful strategy to winning every March Madness pool, large or small.

Now, you could go to the "experts" at Yahoo!, who's picks rely on little more than speculation, or those at CBS Sports, who rely on what can only be viewed as faulty algorithms, to seek help in making a perfect bracket. But only my formula integrates advanced mathematical formulas, complex scientific theory and the most up-to-date technology to calculate the winner of each game.

First, you must start with what you know. Everything I know about college basketball I learned from my brother-in-law. It can be summarized in the following way:

North Carolina = Good Guys

Duke = Bad Guys

Image result for north carolina basketballSo, using this as our starting point, we know that we must pick the good guys to win the entire tournament. So, pick North Carolina to win every game where they appear, until you have them winning the championship game.

The next step may confuse some people. You may think that it is simple. Our second piece of knowledge is that Duke is bad, so certainly Duke must lose their first game, and immediately be eliminated from the tournament, right?

Wrong.

Every sports fan understands the truth of this basic law of physics:

For every hero there is an equal and opposite villain.

To put it another way, for those who are less of science gurus and more mathematically inclined:

Hero - Villain = No Hero

Well, certainly the good guy must be the hero and the bad guy must be the villain, and so, in order for the Tar Heels to be true heroes, they must overcome an evil villain. And because no other basketball team comes close to the villainy of the Blue Devils, they must face off, head-to-head.

Image result for duke basketballTherefore, the next step is to pick Duke to win every game in which they appear, until they face the Tar Heels and are ultimately defeated in the championship game. This will result in North Carolina not only being crowned as the national champions, but also being recognized as true heroes.

Now, if you're like me, all this math and science, all these theories and formulas, are probably making your head spin. At about this point your brain is starting to hurt and you're not sure how much longer you can keep up this intense concentration.

This is where modern technology comes in.

If you are filling out a bracket online, you can just click on a team and that team's name will be filled in for you, in the next slot. You don't even have to type it out yourself. So, what you do is, you just randomly click on boxes with total disregard for what team you are picking, you don't even have to know what team you are picking, until your entire bracket is full.


And that is how you can use math, science and modern technology to win every pool you enter.  And by winning your pool, you will gain true bragging rights as the most knowledgeable basketball fan in your group of friends or colleagues. 

Saturday, March 4, 2017

High School Swim Class: The Horrors That Were

Based on the semi-true adventures of Molly George

Did you even know that Katie Ladecky set a new American record in the 400 IM on Friday night? The 2017 Pac-12 swimming and diving championships took place last week, and Stanford's women didn't disappoint. The Cardinal brought home their 20th title championship, setting five American records and six Pac-12 records. Quite impressive. 

Image result for katie ledecky
Photo: Los Angeles Times
Whenever I watch these swimming greats, I can't help but to reminisce on my own swimming experience. High school was a long time ago now, but not even the over chlorinated water of my high school pool was strong enough to wash away those memories.

What's that? You didn't know I was on a high school swim team?

Well that's because I wasn't.

My memories were formed in a freshman level P.E. class that everyone in the school was required to take, and every time I think of swimming, the terrible memories of that class flood my mind, just like the water that would flood my lungs every time I accidentally wandered too far into the deep end.

I don't know what soulless monster first conceived of the idea of a required swim class, but I know that one's inability to swim was no way out of it. Nor was a highly sensitive skin condition. The only way to get out of it was if you had religious objections, but despite my pleas, my mom refused to call the school and tell a slightly fabricated story about how my religious convictions did not permit me to wear a bathing suit in public.

And so it was, I, Molly Cinderblock George, was forced to take swimming along with everyone else.

I remember the first day in the pool, our teacher told us to swim across the shallow end to the best of our abilities. I knew that when my turn came I would have two options: swim to the best of my ability, or walk across the shallow end of the pool. I could feel the dread mounting as student after student, like the most elegant Angelfish,  swam effortlessly and gracefully across the clear, glassy water.

I'd be more like a Clownfish. Except without the fish part, because fish could swim.  

Finally, it was my turn. The moment of truth. I could feel the blood rushing to my face as I took one step after another across that tiled pool floor, eyes staring at my feet, careful not to glance up at my on looking classmates.

As embarrassing as it was to simply walk, I knew that it was still less embarrassing than the alternative -thrashing around like a drunk bat with no legs. Finally, when I reached the half-way point, I looked up to my teacher, threw up my hands, and gave him the most imploring "are-you-for-real-going-to-make-me-go-on-can't-you-just-end-this-please???" look any human has ever given to another. To his credit, he complied and called the next person in line.

Well, I was informed that I didn't pass the preliminary check and would only be permitted to swim half-laps, as I may not be able to traverse the deep end.

Thank goodness!

I wouldn't have to go in the deep end! Embarrassing? Yes. But better to be embarrassed than to be drowned.

And so it was, I survived the first day of swim class. A wave of relief swept over me as I scurried toward the locker room, past my classmates, their eyes cast down in silent judgment.
I quickly jumped into the locker room shower, whose water alternated between scorching hot and freezing cold, with no in between:

Scalding coffee, bucket of ice. Scalding coffee, bucket of ice. Scalding coffee....

I couldn't take it any longer. I turned off the water before my skin began to boil off and, in the limited amount of time I had, changed into regular clothes for my next class.

But unfortunately for fourteen-year-old me, the horror of high school swim class didn't end when the second period bell rang.

The nauseating smell of chlorine had penetrated so deeply into my skin that even as I sat in my freshman level math class on the second floor in the wing opposite the first floor pool, I felt as though someone had hidden an open bottle of Clorox directly under my desk. I reached into my backpack with my bright red, scale covered hand, searching for a writing utensil. That Chlorine water wasn't exactly the miracle cure for my eczema. I shifted in discomfort, trying to keep warm as the pool water from my un-dried hair drenched the back of my T-shirt. I was already a dork, and my post-swimming appearance wasn't making things any better. I could feel the individual hairs on my head curl up and then shoot away in every direction, as if even they wanted to get away from me. I tried to mat down the resulting cobweb of frizz, running my reptilian fingers through it over and over, but to no avail.

The initial sense of relief I had felt when I had gotten out of that wretched P.E. class quickly subsided as I realized that I would have to do it again the day after tomorrow. And alternating every other day after that until the end of the semester. A sick feeling welled in the middle of my chest, and as I walked out of Algebra I, I felt as though I was going to burst into tears.

By the time my second swim class rolled around, the eczema on my face had reached its full beauty, my hands looked like they were made out of cornflakes, and my legs were beginning to feel itchy as well. If you are not fortunate enough to have experienced eczema yourself, just imagine someone took a cheese grater, grated off all the skin on your hands, legs and face, rolled you in an overgrown cactus patch, then threw you into a giant bucket of hydrogen peroxide. Every time I entered the water, I felt like my entire body was a giant eyeball and someone was squeezing lemon juice into it.

But that was not the worst part...it was not the worst part by far.

The worst part was that, unlike the other students, when I stared into the water from above, I did not see my own reflection. Instead, I saw the hazy outline of the Angel of Death, his empty shadow of a face staring back at me from just beneath the water, lurking there waiting, always waiting...

I splashed away his face with my hand, the image breaking into a thousand drops of water and vanishing in the ensuing ripples. It would be OK. I didn't even have to go into the deep end. I would just have to go near it. And that was fine. I was fine with that. I could do it. I wasn't worried about it....

...I swallowed hard.

I planted my feet against the pool wall, bent my legs, and launched myself away from it taking one stroke after another, as our teacher had shown...until...oh no! I think I went too far. I was in the deep end! I was going to drown! I thrashed and kicked until my feet hit the bottom of the pool and...oh, never mind. I was still very much in the shallow end of the pool. I guess three strokes only got me a quarter of the way across. I stood there in the shallow end and did some quick calculations. I could probably take another ten strokes before the water got to a point where it would be above my head...

Mmmmm.... Not worth the risk. It would be best to turn back now. I swam the three strokes back to the wall. Phew. I had done it. I had survived the first lap. I went to the back of the line in my lane.
The next time I went four strokes. Actually, this really wasn't so bad. I worked my way up to five strokes, then six, until... Oh crud! This time I really had gone slightly too far!

Image result for swimming poolI felt the man I had seen in my reflection reach up from the depths of the pool and grab my foot with his icy cold hand. I kicked to get free as he pulled me deeper and deeper, closer to his realm. I stomped at his hollow hood over and over again, kicking and thrashing as his black robes slowly engulfed me. This was it. The water poured into my mouth. I tried desperately to break free, but his specter was at my throat, my arms and legs were tangled in his robes, and... LIGHT! My head burst above the water as I gasped for air and was quickly pulled under again. 


I tore the dark robes from around my arms, put my hands together in front of me, then pulled them apart with all my strength, parting the water before me, lurching forward. Another stroke and a hard kick of my feet and I managed to break free of his grip. It wasn't the most beautiful stroke, but I think it would be enough, just barely enough... My feet landed safely on the tiles below, my head above water. I gasped in the precious air, sputtering out water as I wondered how long the battle had lasted...hours surely, possibly even days. I looked around ready to explain to the concerned crowd that I was OK...But, what the...? I almost drowned and no one even noticed???   

I guess it wasn't that long after all, maybe only like 2-3 seconds. I swam back to the end of the line. With a new sense of generosity, I let a few people cut me in line. And then a few more.

"Oh you can go ahead of me. So can you, really, it's no big deal, go ahead...Oh I think you were ahead of me. I need to use the restroom, no need to save my spot in line!"

Finally, our teacher released us to go shower.

Scalding coffee, bucket of ice. Scalding coffee, bucket of ice.

I had survived day two of swim class. A wave of relief. Closely followed by dread. I'd have to do it again the day after tomorrow.

And so it was, I lived the rest of the semester in a constant state of anxiety, smelling like chlorine and trying to control my hair, my face turning into a gross giant rash, until finally, the last day of swim class came.

The day that I would have to swim four laps, four different strokes...And go into the deep end four different times.

If I didn't pass, I'd have to take the class again.

As I walked to the edge of the pool for our test, my nerves began to short circuit. My legs turned to mush, stomach acid began to creep up my throat into my mouth. I could feel it burn the back of my throat, the same way the pool water burned my sensitive skin. I tried to swallow, but my esophagus was quickly constricting. My heart was racing faster than Usain Bolt and my hands were shaking like a maraca. The pressure was weighing down on my chest, my shoulders, everything until my jelly legs could barely support it. I all but collapsed into the water.

After my all too graceful entry, I pulled myself together.  I was going to do this. I was going to pass this test!

And, I don't know if the prospect of enduring another quarter of high school swim class gave me super human powers, or if it was God's grace alone, but somehow, someway, I did. I passed! I, in real actual life, swam four laps in a real pool with real actual water!

I would not have to take swim class again! I was done!

I was on cloud nine. My heart sang and my soul shone brighter than every star in the sky! It was the happiest moment of my 14-year-old life.

A few weeks later, a close friend of mine was telling me about how they were trying to get more girls to go out for the swim team. She suggested that I try out.

Well, I mean I did pass swim class and I could do four different strokes....


....But some things are better left to people like Katie Ledecky.